Soapbox: Sexual assault and clothes

Ok, I'm sorry if this brings everyone down, but I'm having a moment of fatigue.

I think that discussing sexual harassment, sexual violence and violence against women is important.  I often find it annoying that these can be taboo subjects.  I think it is through intelligent discussion that we can overcome the stigma, fear, mystery, ignorance, and hopelessness that surround these issues, and come up with some solutions and maybe open some minds.

Or maybe not.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  Maybe it is just a pointless exercise.

I'm referring in particular to discussions around rape/sexual harassment/molestation of women and girls and of course the other big thing that comes up in those discussions: what she was wearing.

And just to be clear, I'm talking about in-person, face-to-face discussions, not online discussions (which better people than I have attempted and mostly failed).

No matter how much I've talked, rephrased, listened and tried to see from the other perspective with people who are not already 100% in agreement with me, I don't think I've ever successfully helped anyone to understand that the victim's clothing is fundamentally not relevant.

I had one of these discussions today and it has left me concluding this:  Do not ever bother trying to explain the irrelevance of a woman/girl's clothes in the designation of culpability in an instance of rape/sexual harassment/molestation.  It is futile.

I was having this discussion with an intelligent, feminist woman thinking that we were pretty like-minded and in agreement on this.  I was complaining about how frustrating it was to help people understand something this simple:  What a woman is wearing should not endanger them and never can legitimize violence or violation done against them.

But no.  This woman thought it was important to make me understand that "when a woman dresses to provoke/seduce/titillate and then goes out in public, she needs to take responsibility" and "deal with the consequences."

WTF.  I mean, WTF. WTF WTF WTF.  No.  That is wrong.


A woman/girl/person should be able to wear whatever the F she wants and not be attacked, assaulted, murdered, or touched if she doesn't want to be.  If any of these things happens to her, it is not her f-ing fault.  This was not something she did to herself,  this was something that was done TO her against her will by SOMEONE ELSE.  It is not her f-ing responsibility.

Just because a woman's body is on display or a woman is displaying her body, does not mean that whomever can do whatever they want to it.  If they do, they are wrong.   They are committing a crime.  And that crime is THEIR f-ing responsibility.

I don't care what your opinion on the morality of sex, promiscuity, sexiness, fashion, whatever,  That previous paragraph is the f-ing truth.

Yes, what a woman is wearing, combined with where she is, when she is, who she is with, and whatever, can play a role in the increased likelihood of her being in danger.  But that danger existing and happening IS NOT HER FAULT.

Yes, what a woman is wearing can confuse a guy or he might read the signals wrong.  But guess what?  Being confused or ignorant does not mean he is any less wrong for raping/assault/molesting/threatening her.  Her confusing body is not automatically for him to touch or have sex with just because he can see it and he likes it.

If a guy was naked! or even just 'dressed sexy', I can't just touch him or have sex with him without his permission.  If I was confused and grabbed his ass because I thought he was ok with it, but he wasn't, this would be MY fault.  I'd be the one who was wrong, not him.

Also, the idea that a woman can determine what clothes men are going to interpret as being "provoking,"  "seductive," and "titillating" is just ridiculous.  That is a delusion.  To expect women to be able to figure that out is to expect the impossible.

Every time I have been sexually harassed, felt-up, and sexually intimidated, I have been wearing things I would never have considered particularly "tempting."  Because the fact of the matter is my body just existing is considered "provocative" by society.  I can't f-ing control this.  I can't always accurately predict people's responses.   I can't predict when the people around me are going to be ok with my body existing and when they are not.  If they can't control their response, there is nothing I can f-ing do about it.  It is NOT my fault.  It is NOT my responsibility.

So I amend my previous statement:  what a woman is wearing can play completely no f-ing role at all in the likelihood of her being in danger.

I have "been naive" and dressed up to impress a guy--- meaning one particular guy--- not realizing that every other guy I encountered at the social gathering we were attending could and would assume that my dressing up meant that all of them had a right to do what they wanted with my body.  My girlfriends and I have "screwed up" and walked home late at night giggling in party dresses, because we were at a fun spring formal for our religious group and needed to get home but didn't have cars.  In the moment, it did not occur to us that if one/all of us had been raped and murdered we would have probably appeared like common "dumb sluts."  Another time, I got into a car with a guy-friend-of-a-friend after a late-night film shoot because I didn't want to walk home in the cold and he offered to give me a lift, only realizing after we had driven away from my friend's house, that I had just willingly gotten into a car with a strange man.

But had something terrible happened to me in any of these situations, it would not have been my fault.  My "screw ups" and "naivete" in no way would have made me "responsible" for someone hurting me and violating my basic rights.

Ok, now that I have preached to the choir for a while, here is what I want to know:

1)  How is this so difficult for people to understand?  Especially in the case of people who generally have progressive ideas about women?

I mean how many times have we been frustrated about something or not understand why someone was behaving in a certain way and been told "you can't control other people." But when it comes to assault of women, this adage suddenly doesn't hold water?

2)  Is there any point to having these discussions with people?

Like I said earlier, I have never ever felt like I successfully 'got through' to the people in these discussions.  Instead, I feel angry and they still feel secure in their victim-blaming beliefs.  I'd rather just stop doing it.

3)  Why do people feel it is so important to make me believe in this supreme power of The Clothes?

They get really defensive and have to repeatedly say "'in no way is it ok for someone to touch or attack another person, but . . ."

That's like "It is not ok for someone to bomb your house and kill you, but . . . it also is your fault for living in an area that they decided to bomb."  Um, no.  That is wrong.  People shouldn't be bombing your house and killing you.


In conclusion:  God put the Tree of Knowledge in Eden where Adam and Eve were living, so it it really God's fault that they ate those apples?